GOD! I am so frustrated! >.<
Okay, let's back up a bit before I go on a rant. I know that most of the people who actually read this already know me and at least have an IDEA what is going on, but in case I get someone on here who has no freaking clue, let me explain.
DIVORCE:
Dad and Emily are divorcing. BIG WHOOP! It's not my problem! They are two adults in an unhealthy, unhappy marriage. I don't blame Emily for filing and I don't blame Dad for being upset. Like I said, this is not my rodeo. However, they have three kids together. Three kids that are my sisters. Sisters in which I would die/kill for. I got asked to supervise Dad's visitations last year when this shit-fest started. I agreed thinking, "Okay... I can help Dad stay in their lives and I get to spend more time with the kids! Plus, I know that when I'm there, they're safe! WINNING!" Except now, a year later, Dad is being a douche to me, Grandma (these visitations happen at Grandma's house) is PISSED that I am civil/nice/supportive towards Emily and refuses to see Dad's faults (even though he talks about how much they [his parents] hated him and treated him like shit growing up... even says Grandma beat him). So, between the two of them and my Alzheimer-y Grandpa who is stressing me out (not his fault. I am just legitimately scared that he is going to die), I don't want to be there! PLUS Dad makes such a huge deal about how he can't do certain stuff like change diapers and Grandma ends up feeding the kids because I guess he believes they don't eat. ~>.<~
So there's that. And every time I go over to my grandparent's house just to spend time with them, Grandma has to bring up the divorce. If I don't go over there, I feel guilty because I know I don't have forever with them. GREAT.
FIGHTS:
So there was this massive 'incident' involving me and one of my cousins. He was being drunkenly rude and I was sick and freaking tired of it. I've dealt with this bullshit my whole life, I shouldn't have to deal with it when I'm trying to have fun with my family. He pushed the line, I told him off (called him a fuckhead... really. A fuckhead?) he ended up throwing food at me (pizza sauce = classy) and kicking me. Bunches of other crap happens, I end up spilling my guts to Grandma about how worried I am about Gramps and my cousin ends up fighting his brother-in-law who was doing nothing but trying to protect me. Basically, I was told to leave because I pissed him off, he called me an "Effing B" and told me how much he hates me. This broke my heart. I stood up for myself and my grandpa and this is what happened. (By the way, I never laid a HAND on him.)
A couple of days later, I'm at visitation, and Grandma asks me to apologize to my cousin. WHAT?! Yes, I realize I know better than to yell at a drunk person, but really?! There is not a bone in my body that says I should be the adult in this situation. My cousin is a 30-something year old MAN. I'm 21! I'm supposed to be the drunken disorderly, not the guy with the kids that are screaming because they don't know what the frick is going on!
OH! And did I mention? THIS WAS A MONTH AGO! I haven't heard a WORD out of his mouth since! Am I bitching that it happened? Not really. Am I bitching that my family is trying desperately to sweep this under the rug? Shit yeah!
FRIENDS:
Haha. Funny. My only real friends are the ones who are just as busy living and attempting to build a life as I am, and we rarely have time for one another. I SUCK at keeping friendships, and I mean that. I have a few people I like hanging out with, but maybe five that I consider close enough to share this stuff with, but with names and in more detail (like with crying and blubbering). I only see one on a regular basis (William Torix, take a bow!), one on the occasional weekend (Dillon Webster, that's you, buddy) and two with whom I've been promising to catch up with and let them know all of this because we never see each other (Brooke Polly! Tara Hays! <3). Then there is that last one. The one I thought would never leave me behind. Last night he told me that he is fine with losing me as a friend because he is comfortable with the people he lives with. One of those people used to be my best friend, but she's busy living the life with people who aren't as screwed up as me. I'm just too freaking hard to be around sometimes.
So, I'm angry. All the time. I wish I could run away and leave this "awesome" life behind, but I'd be held in contempt of court for not showing up for visitations. Can someone please shoot me?
I'm not bored enough to write a blog because honestly even I wouldn't be interested in reading it, but I am bored enough to read random things I find while trolling facebook and your submissions are always, at the very least, interesting. I'm not a professional anything so I'm going to give a personal opinion. Bear in mind this is the opinion of a 20 something nobody that knows nothing about you, your situation, love, responsibility... really life in general. Except that it exists and I personally am about half way into living one.
ReplyDeleteThis is all a very complex personal situation that exists basically because you care. More specifically you care more about other people than you do yourself, and that some of them are more concerned about themselves. That would make me either very angry, or very sad. Maybe both(it usually made me sad, but I would have preferred angry).
The question I would be haunting me if I was in this situation is, "If my best isn't good enough, then what is?" The best answer I have come up with is it doesn't matter. You are who you are and they are who they are regardless. If it's important to you than keep caring and trying even if no one else seems to want or know how to appreciate it. If you can be yourself and only have one good friend then you are lucky and having three great little sisters sounds like a blessing. People come and go in life like the tide but they all leave an impression, some people are just better at ignoring them.
Have you ever noticed how sometimes a few brief moments with some people seem to stand out forever while you can spend a whole bunch of time around other people and hardly even notice they were there? Don't waste your energy being upset over the people who don't notice you and always try to notice the people that do. Otherwise you'll spend all your time wondering why your best isn't enough when you should just be enjoying being you.
Again just a few random thoughts from someone that doesn't know much about anything, so take it as you will.